So I was scrolling through my activity lately, and really there is nothing of any interest... EmJ added so and so as a friend.... SO i thought i'd mix it up!!! I KNOW!!!
I added TWO, yes TWO new fetishes.... Geeky guys, and seven of nine.... I feel these two fetishes stand on their own and need no defense or justification!!!
So having said that, I think i'm going to attempt to do some new activity so you guys actually WANT to look at my page and check me out, rather than be bored by my boringness...
So i'll write another writing soon, AND try to participate a bit more.... I've just been kept busy!!!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Not good, not bad, just is...
So I have had a few messages in regards to my past writing asking for more. To be honest - this has inspired me to write again. Perhaps it's shallow, perhaps it's insignificant, and perhaps I do write simply for me... but DAMN it sure feels good when people are genuinely interested in you and sincerely want to read more. They say my writing is sincere and honest, I think when I write on here it's more of a ramble or rant, but either way I shall try again :-)
Recently I have learned a couple of things. The first is that as much as we would like to be positive, or try to be, it doesn't translate to the best blog entries, or more specifically, an outwardly bubbly positive feeling does not naturally transgress into a long pensive, philosophical discussion with myself (which is inevitably what my writing is, just simply...well written :-)...... but back to this later...
The second thing I've noticed is that I really do love to learn about myself, which I do on a daily basis. However, one of my recent 'eureka moments' was that I'm impatient in learning about myself. I learn something new everyday, (or at least acknowledge something new everyday), and I know I will probably continue figuring things out about my personality and character until the day I die...and I love learning about me.... but I'm impatient about it (hahaha). Part of me likes discovering daily, part of me, a large part of me, wants to have it all figured out.
So having said that - I am on a mission, a quest if you will (love the whole fantasy quest thing....shuttup I know i'm a geek...that was discovered a LONG time ago...)... to better myself. So I took a step in the direction of bettering myself not long ago, and realized that the first step to bettering myself is to figure out who 'myslef' is...as much as I can. I became very lost VERY quickly. I realized I did not have as much control in my life as I would like, I was not where I wanted to be in my life, or at the standard I held myself at. And i was lost.
I realize a lot of this is somewhat vague, and part of me feels like i should divulge more, but the reality is this - if you have read previous posts you'll know - that I have not only a guard up for my emotions, and for protection, but I simply am not one of those people who wish to fall 'victim' in anyone's eyes. I have spent my entire life trying to be very strong and independent and for me to feel lost and helpless is pretty much the absolute worse feeling for me to feel. I don't think the details of why are important or necessary, I think the expression of that feeling, to anyone who understands it, is enough.
Please trust me when I say - I understand people go through worse, people have to worry about feeding their children or surviving a deadly disease, or finding shelter for the night. I realize that although I struggle daily with my personal shit, and work my ass off to put a roof over my head and food in my mouth, that I am still lucky to have the ability to do even that. However, by nature, by definition we are a self-righteous and self-centered species....our world revolves around... well...us!
I surround myself with people who are very fortunate, (not to say they don't work hard) but who, in my eyes, are successful. I surround myself with people who have nice places, extra cash, loved ones, partners, good jobs they enjoy and whatever else I place in high standing.... I also surround myself with people who are older than I am. I can't help but compare myself and where I feel I'm at to them, but I forget to remind myself that they are 6-10 years ahead of me. I forget to remind myself that I'm 23 years old, and ask myself where were they at 23.
I forget to tell myself all of that, but when I do, it doesn't matter. I do not care where they are, and i do not care to compare myself with them. I may be doing well for 23, but I'm not where I want to be, even if I am being unreasonable or more than reasonable with myself. We all set goals for ourselves, and it's up to us to get there. So that is what my struggle is about right now. That is what I'm fighting with.
I am trying to figure out, where I am. Where I want to be. What I want to do. And what steps I have to take to get where I want to go and more importantly, what steps I have to take to be the person I want to be. It's a hell of a lot harder than I expected. Fact is, not only do I not know where I am, I don't know where I want to go. I am lost. Again.
Recently I have learned a couple of things. The first is that as much as we would like to be positive, or try to be, it doesn't translate to the best blog entries, or more specifically, an outwardly bubbly positive feeling does not naturally transgress into a long pensive, philosophical discussion with myself (which is inevitably what my writing is, just simply...well written :-)...... but back to this later...
The second thing I've noticed is that I really do love to learn about myself, which I do on a daily basis. However, one of my recent 'eureka moments' was that I'm impatient in learning about myself. I learn something new everyday, (or at least acknowledge something new everyday), and I know I will probably continue figuring things out about my personality and character until the day I die...and I love learning about me.... but I'm impatient about it (hahaha). Part of me likes discovering daily, part of me, a large part of me, wants to have it all figured out.
So having said that - I am on a mission, a quest if you will (love the whole fantasy quest thing....shuttup I know i'm a geek...that was discovered a LONG time ago...)... to better myself. So I took a step in the direction of bettering myself not long ago, and realized that the first step to bettering myself is to figure out who 'myslef' is...as much as I can. I became very lost VERY quickly. I realized I did not have as much control in my life as I would like, I was not where I wanted to be in my life, or at the standard I held myself at. And i was lost.
I realize a lot of this is somewhat vague, and part of me feels like i should divulge more, but the reality is this - if you have read previous posts you'll know - that I have not only a guard up for my emotions, and for protection, but I simply am not one of those people who wish to fall 'victim' in anyone's eyes. I have spent my entire life trying to be very strong and independent and for me to feel lost and helpless is pretty much the absolute worse feeling for me to feel. I don't think the details of why are important or necessary, I think the expression of that feeling, to anyone who understands it, is enough.
Please trust me when I say - I understand people go through worse, people have to worry about feeding their children or surviving a deadly disease, or finding shelter for the night. I realize that although I struggle daily with my personal shit, and work my ass off to put a roof over my head and food in my mouth, that I am still lucky to have the ability to do even that. However, by nature, by definition we are a self-righteous and self-centered species....our world revolves around... well...us!
I surround myself with people who are very fortunate, (not to say they don't work hard) but who, in my eyes, are successful. I surround myself with people who have nice places, extra cash, loved ones, partners, good jobs they enjoy and whatever else I place in high standing.... I also surround myself with people who are older than I am. I can't help but compare myself and where I feel I'm at to them, but I forget to remind myself that they are 6-10 years ahead of me. I forget to remind myself that I'm 23 years old, and ask myself where were they at 23.
I forget to tell myself all of that, but when I do, it doesn't matter. I do not care where they are, and i do not care to compare myself with them. I may be doing well for 23, but I'm not where I want to be, even if I am being unreasonable or more than reasonable with myself. We all set goals for ourselves, and it's up to us to get there. So that is what my struggle is about right now. That is what I'm fighting with.
I am trying to figure out, where I am. Where I want to be. What I want to do. And what steps I have to take to get where I want to go and more importantly, what steps I have to take to be the person I want to be. It's a hell of a lot harder than I expected. Fact is, not only do I not know where I am, I don't know where I want to go. I am lost. Again.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Life is funny
I'm warning you now, this post is not thought out, probably won't be very well written, and may or may not go anywhere, hell....may or may not start anywhere.... this is me...ranting... feeling the need to write and pretending I have an audience helps....
First of all I should start by saying - lately - I've been extremely lost...lost in my head, lost emotionally.... just lost. I do say this pretending that I'm not always completely lost. But that really is my nature. I travel around, moving from place to place, trying to find whatever it is I'm looking for - might help to know WHAT that is... and i have a vague idea.... but that's what I do.
So 'lately' I've found myself in the city of Montreal. This city is amazing. There is something about this place that makes you enjoy it. Even depressed, lonely, surrounded by strangers - you don't want to stay in bed - montreal forces you to WANT to be outside.... Not going to lie - the 15 degree weather in November helps!! And yet as much as I love this city - I still can't help but be reminded of all the other things I gave up. One of my best friends is getting married (i know i know...'EmJ ..you're only 22, you're still young" and I'm not saying I want to get married tomorrow but it's not just that. I visit and talk with my girlfriends back in B.C. the girls i grew up with... and they still hang out with each other, live with each other, go out together, girls I have literally known for 15-20 years of my life. They all have this 'security'- someone who has seen them through everything.... i don't.
I love my life.. I love the fact that i've lived lots of different places, travelled different places and am going to different places. But as the saying goes 'the grass is always greener on the other side'. My girlfriend who got engaged and i were talking - and i was saying... why is it so hard for me to find someone to love, someone to love me? I don't mean to sound completely out of line, but i'm decently cool, pretty smart, and not the ugliest person on the planet.... why is it hard to find a 'boyfriend' that I can meet on physical, emotional, and intellectual levels? ...she turned to me, and i'll never forget this... she said "EmJ, what was your goal when you were younger, what did you want to do?" and i replied "To travel the world, see everything and take pictures".... she turned to me and replied "mine was to find the man of my dreams and get married.... we're both getting our dreams".... Funny how life works....
So moving on, i've been feeling a little invisible and out of the blue a guy messages me on this fabulous site, saying 'hey just wondering if you're alright... love your pictures and your writing and haven't seen anything new in a long time" ... this person has never messaged me before but simply 'followed' me...and i didn't realize ANYONE followed me... but I felt like I had importance again...and it was nice!
Another random thought through this variety of thought processes is that I've decided to not care about having a boyfriend. For once in a VERY long time, i'm extremely excited and happy to be focusing on me... I joined the gym, and am working out very hard, and LOVING it... it feels amazing...
I think (there I go again) that people connect with me because I have this uncanny, unnatural, natural ability to empathize SO much with others that I start to loose myself a little. I get so involved with someone and accepting them for who they are, ALL of their faults and imperfections...that I start to loose myself. This is an actualization that I have recently become very aware of. It's like my biggest flaw and biggest gift all in one. However, the awareness of it, is VERY good for me. Something for me to keep in mind :) I'm learning a LOT lately about myself... it's relatively interesting....
So there I go... I don't know what all this means, or what to do with this information, but I just needed to get it down. I do know that this is not a great demonstration of my writing skills, don't judge but if you actually read all this and made it to the end...thanks for listening :), there will be more... i'm sure :)
First of all I should start by saying - lately - I've been extremely lost...lost in my head, lost emotionally.... just lost. I do say this pretending that I'm not always completely lost. But that really is my nature. I travel around, moving from place to place, trying to find whatever it is I'm looking for - might help to know WHAT that is... and i have a vague idea.... but that's what I do.
So 'lately' I've found myself in the city of Montreal. This city is amazing. There is something about this place that makes you enjoy it. Even depressed, lonely, surrounded by strangers - you don't want to stay in bed - montreal forces you to WANT to be outside.... Not going to lie - the 15 degree weather in November helps!! And yet as much as I love this city - I still can't help but be reminded of all the other things I gave up. One of my best friends is getting married (i know i know...'EmJ ..you're only 22, you're still young" and I'm not saying I want to get married tomorrow but it's not just that. I visit and talk with my girlfriends back in B.C. the girls i grew up with... and they still hang out with each other, live with each other, go out together, girls I have literally known for 15-20 years of my life. They all have this 'security'- someone who has seen them through everything.... i don't.
I love my life.. I love the fact that i've lived lots of different places, travelled different places and am going to different places. But as the saying goes 'the grass is always greener on the other side'. My girlfriend who got engaged and i were talking - and i was saying... why is it so hard for me to find someone to love, someone to love me? I don't mean to sound completely out of line, but i'm decently cool, pretty smart, and not the ugliest person on the planet.... why is it hard to find a 'boyfriend' that I can meet on physical, emotional, and intellectual levels? ...she turned to me, and i'll never forget this... she said "EmJ, what was your goal when you were younger, what did you want to do?" and i replied "To travel the world, see everything and take pictures".... she turned to me and replied "mine was to find the man of my dreams and get married.... we're both getting our dreams".... Funny how life works....
So moving on, i've been feeling a little invisible and out of the blue a guy messages me on this fabulous site, saying 'hey just wondering if you're alright... love your pictures and your writing and haven't seen anything new in a long time" ... this person has never messaged me before but simply 'followed' me...and i didn't realize ANYONE followed me... but I felt like I had importance again...and it was nice!
Another random thought through this variety of thought processes is that I've decided to not care about having a boyfriend. For once in a VERY long time, i'm extremely excited and happy to be focusing on me... I joined the gym, and am working out very hard, and LOVING it... it feels amazing...
I think (there I go again) that people connect with me because I have this uncanny, unnatural, natural ability to empathize SO much with others that I start to loose myself a little. I get so involved with someone and accepting them for who they are, ALL of their faults and imperfections...that I start to loose myself. This is an actualization that I have recently become very aware of. It's like my biggest flaw and biggest gift all in one. However, the awareness of it, is VERY good for me. Something for me to keep in mind :) I'm learning a LOT lately about myself... it's relatively interesting....
So there I go... I don't know what all this means, or what to do with this information, but I just needed to get it down. I do know that this is not a great demonstration of my writing skills, don't judge but if you actually read all this and made it to the end...thanks for listening :), there will be more... i'm sure :)
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Hello everyone
Some of you who know me, probably are trying to figure out where the HELL i went for about a month?.... Well, I have a lot of owning up to do, and a lot of explaining to do.... HOWEVER, I don't have time right now to go into all the details properly, therefore, I just wanted to say, I am here, I am alive and Soon there will be another piece of ACTUAL writing, that I'm sure you are all on the edge of your seats waiting for....
I apologize for disapearing, and appreciate any and all understanding and patience you all may have with me. Let me also state that just because it hasn't shown me that active on the site (well active at all) does not mean i haven't visted to see what my friends are up to :).....
Therefoer, if you're waiting for a response from a message you've sent me, OR an aproval of a friend request, I will get to you VERY shortly, and thank you so much for waiting...
I also promise, my next thing of writing will be way better written and actually somewhat interesting.....
I apologize for disapearing, and appreciate any and all understanding and patience you all may have with me. Let me also state that just because it hasn't shown me that active on the site (well active at all) does not mean i haven't visted to see what my friends are up to :).....
Therefoer, if you're waiting for a response from a message you've sent me, OR an aproval of a friend request, I will get to you VERY shortly, and thank you so much for waiting...
I also promise, my next thing of writing will be way better written and actually somewhat interesting.....
Friday, September 25, 2009
So....
Hello everybody, First my apologies for not being around the last week, I have been busy with work (going amazing thanks for asking), and I just moved studios... LOVE THE NEW STUDIO (again, thanks for asking )... and i've been spending a lot of time with the new man in my life (be happy for me, i am)..... he's amazing, in fact, he's signed up, but doesn't have anything in his profile...SOOOO...feel FREE to harass him with e-mails, wall posts, and/or friend requests...make him feel loved and welcomed...PLEASE!!! But be nice, we like him! His name on here is whip_u_good.
As for an update on me: besides moving studios and having a new man..... I'm amazing.... Montreal is amazing. I LOVE IT HERE... it's treating me real good!!! I've done so much, casino, la ronde, biodome, watched soccer games, hockey games, gone to bbq's, everything. This city is amazing..but LORD do i need to practice my french. It's hard, everyone is so willing to speak english that i can get away with it.
I'm happy! I guess that is the bottom line. I've been in montreal for a month now. I gave myself three to be miserable and not know anyone and hate it, and be alone, but after a month I am extremely happy. Who would have thought. I have someone who loves me and cares about me, i have a great little apartment, i have an aamzing job of taking pictures for a living... i'm no longer 'surviving'.... i'm living, and i love it!!!
Anywyas, thought i'd do a quick update on me... so there you go
As for an update on me: besides moving studios and having a new man..... I'm amazing.... Montreal is amazing. I LOVE IT HERE... it's treating me real good!!! I've done so much, casino, la ronde, biodome, watched soccer games, hockey games, gone to bbq's, everything. This city is amazing..but LORD do i need to practice my french. It's hard, everyone is so willing to speak english that i can get away with it.
I'm happy! I guess that is the bottom line. I've been in montreal for a month now. I gave myself three to be miserable and not know anyone and hate it, and be alone, but after a month I am extremely happy. Who would have thought. I have someone who loves me and cares about me, i have a great little apartment, i have an aamzing job of taking pictures for a living... i'm no longer 'surviving'.... i'm living, and i love it!!!
Anywyas, thought i'd do a quick update on me... so there you go
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Montreal, here I come
Well, as some of you know, i have moved...for those of you who didn't know.... well.... i moved!!!!
It is actually official, I am sitting in my new apartment in downtown Montreal writing this post. If you guys were wondering why i disapeared for a couple weeks, and why there are no new pictures..... It is due to the fact of finishing school, packing, moving and unpacking.... however... in the next few days of starting a new job and getting settled, I shall continue reeking havoc over the site...
I spent a few minuts just updating myself on some things and well, it seems you guys are doing just fine being perverted :)... I LOVE IT!!!!
Anyways, thisis a long update to basically say ...i'm in montreal now, not toronto.
If you're in toronto, and you miss me already, feel free to drop a line, but don't worry, i'll be visiting..... and if you're in montreal, and ready to paint the town red....drop me a line :)
hope to hear from you guys soon :)
It is actually official, I am sitting in my new apartment in downtown Montreal writing this post. If you guys were wondering why i disapeared for a couple weeks, and why there are no new pictures..... It is due to the fact of finishing school, packing, moving and unpacking.... however... in the next few days of starting a new job and getting settled, I shall continue reeking havoc over the site...
I spent a few minuts just updating myself on some things and well, it seems you guys are doing just fine being perverted :)... I LOVE IT!!!!
Anyways, thisis a long update to basically say ...i'm in montreal now, not toronto.
If you're in toronto, and you miss me already, feel free to drop a line, but don't worry, i'll be visiting..... and if you're in montreal, and ready to paint the town red....drop me a line :)
hope to hear from you guys soon :)
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Thoughts on a bus
So although I'm just writing/publishing this now, i wrote it about a week ago...just been extremely busy with my portfolio and school and work and moving, and, and , and......anyways:
I'm sitting on the bus on my way home from Montreal. I feel the need to write. I have a few things I need to work n but can't seem to clear my head of a few thoughts first.
It is in my nature, my genetics to lean towards the darker side; the glass appears half empty to me. I made a very concious decision that I would, quite literally, change my chemical makeup. Since that defing moment, I've put a smile on my face, and eventually came quite a happy person. I now smile more, laugh more, am more extroverted, and simply enjoy life more. However recently I find it harder and harder to wake up wtih that smile naturally. It's becoming slightly more forced.
I met an interesting young man (I say young because not only do I usually surround myself with an older crowd but also find it difficult to view and think as a 22 year old) however he may very well have been a couple years older than I. Although the conversation was not nearly as philisophical or inspiring as he tried to make it sound, I can not den the fact that it did, if nothing else, make me think a little extra today.
I understand blogs. I mean, I always understood them, but now i underSTAND them. They're not for the readers, they're for the writers. I'm a writer, I'm a photographer and I write and take picture for myself, but my favorite thing is getting feedback. It's not even so much what the feedback is (although one can learn a lot from seeing things in a different light) but just knowing the fact that someone is seeing my work, reading my articles, viewing my photographs, and taking the time to get to know me and taking the time to respond. I think we all stive for some sort of acknowlegement, especially from those we love or connect with or care for.
However, personally, it is that acknowlegement, that acceptence, that knowing people you love and care about will be reading what you write, that makes me hesitate with what I write. It is a new goal of mine, a very VERY difficult goal of mine, to overcome that fear, to not censor myself because of who may or may not read what I have to say. lord knows I don't censor my photographs, why should i censor my writing?
I'm getting far off topic, (i should write a book, looks like i have enough to say)....
The reason I bring up the guy from the other night is because, again, although the conversation wasn't over stimulating, I decided to start thinking more goal orientated. I am going to sort through the skelotons in my closet and figure out waht I want and what I want to do and how the hell to get there. I think this is a very good, and big step in my life.
Later inserted I'm moving to a new city, with new people, and a new language. This is a big step for me, and I'd be lying if I said i wasn't scared shitless (excuse my language) but I think it will be good for me. I will be working, and i should ACTUALLY have some time to myself. I can't remember the last time that I wasn't commited 7 days a week to SOMETHING. This will allow me to start eating properly, sleeping properly, working out (my new place, if i get it, has a gym and pool which is extremely exciting). I've been so busy with my work and my life and i've been putting myself last. This is my opportunity to take care of me for once. It'll be a hard change, but good I think.
I realise this isn't the greatest piece of writing, but more a rambling. But it was necessary for me to get it off my chest and ramble for a bit, even if no one listens.
To those of you who do know me, i promise i will be around for more pictures, and more writings, when done my schooling, but right now that is my focus, and must remain my focus. Thanks for understanding.
I'm sitting on the bus on my way home from Montreal. I feel the need to write. I have a few things I need to work n but can't seem to clear my head of a few thoughts first.
It is in my nature, my genetics to lean towards the darker side; the glass appears half empty to me. I made a very concious decision that I would, quite literally, change my chemical makeup. Since that defing moment, I've put a smile on my face, and eventually came quite a happy person. I now smile more, laugh more, am more extroverted, and simply enjoy life more. However recently I find it harder and harder to wake up wtih that smile naturally. It's becoming slightly more forced.
I met an interesting young man (I say young because not only do I usually surround myself with an older crowd but also find it difficult to view and think as a 22 year old) however he may very well have been a couple years older than I. Although the conversation was not nearly as philisophical or inspiring as he tried to make it sound, I can not den the fact that it did, if nothing else, make me think a little extra today.
I understand blogs. I mean, I always understood them, but now i underSTAND them. They're not for the readers, they're for the writers. I'm a writer, I'm a photographer and I write and take picture for myself, but my favorite thing is getting feedback. It's not even so much what the feedback is (although one can learn a lot from seeing things in a different light) but just knowing the fact that someone is seeing my work, reading my articles, viewing my photographs, and taking the time to get to know me and taking the time to respond. I think we all stive for some sort of acknowlegement, especially from those we love or connect with or care for.
However, personally, it is that acknowlegement, that acceptence, that knowing people you love and care about will be reading what you write, that makes me hesitate with what I write. It is a new goal of mine, a very VERY difficult goal of mine, to overcome that fear, to not censor myself because of who may or may not read what I have to say. lord knows I don't censor my photographs, why should i censor my writing?
I'm getting far off topic, (i should write a book, looks like i have enough to say)....
The reason I bring up the guy from the other night is because, again, although the conversation wasn't over stimulating, I decided to start thinking more goal orientated. I am going to sort through the skelotons in my closet and figure out waht I want and what I want to do and how the hell to get there. I think this is a very good, and big step in my life.
Later inserted I'm moving to a new city, with new people, and a new language. This is a big step for me, and I'd be lying if I said i wasn't scared shitless (excuse my language) but I think it will be good for me. I will be working, and i should ACTUALLY have some time to myself. I can't remember the last time that I wasn't commited 7 days a week to SOMETHING. This will allow me to start eating properly, sleeping properly, working out (my new place, if i get it, has a gym and pool which is extremely exciting). I've been so busy with my work and my life and i've been putting myself last. This is my opportunity to take care of me for once. It'll be a hard change, but good I think.
I realise this isn't the greatest piece of writing, but more a rambling. But it was necessary for me to get it off my chest and ramble for a bit, even if no one listens.
To those of you who do know me, i promise i will be around for more pictures, and more writings, when done my schooling, but right now that is my focus, and must remain my focus. Thanks for understanding.
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