Life is funny

I'm warning you now, this post is not thought out, probably won't be very well written, and may or may not go anywhere, hell....may or may not start anywhere.... this is me...ranting... feeling the need to write and pretending I have an audience helps....

First of all I should start by saying - lately - I've been extremely lost...lost in my head, lost emotionally.... just lost. I do say this pretending that I'm not always completely lost. But that really is my nature. I travel around, moving from place to place, trying to find whatever it is I'm looking for - might help to know WHAT that is... and i have a vague idea.... but that's what I do.

So 'lately' I've found myself in the city of Montreal. This city is amazing. There is something about this place that makes you enjoy it. Even depressed, lonely, surrounded by strangers - you don't want to stay in bed - montreal forces you to WANT to be outside.... Not going to lie - the 15 degree weather in November helps!! And yet as much as I love this city - I still can't help but be reminded of all the other things I gave up. One of my best friends is getting married (i know i know...'EmJ ..you're only 22, you're still young" and I'm not saying I want to get married tomorrow but it's not just that. I visit and talk with my girlfriends back in B.C. the girls i grew up with... and they still hang out with each other, live with each other, go out together, girls I have literally known for 15-20 years of my life. They all have this 'security'- someone who has seen them through everything.... i don't.

I love my life.. I love the fact that i've lived lots of different places, travelled different places and am going to different places. But as the saying goes 'the grass is always greener on the other side'. My girlfriend who got engaged and i were talking - and i was saying... why is it so hard for me to find someone to love, someone to love me? I don't mean to sound completely out of line, but i'm decently cool, pretty smart, and not the ugliest person on the planet.... why is it hard to find a 'boyfriend' that I can meet on physical, emotional, and intellectual levels? ...she turned to me, and i'll never forget this... she said "EmJ, what was your goal when you were younger, what did you want to do?" and i replied "To travel the world, see everything and take pictures".... she turned to me and replied "mine was to find the man of my dreams and get married.... we're both getting our dreams".... Funny how life works....

So moving on, i've been feeling a little invisible and out of the blue a guy messages me on this fabulous site, saying 'hey just wondering if you're alright... love your pictures and your writing and haven't seen anything new in a long time" ... this person has never messaged me before but simply 'followed' me...and i didn't realize ANYONE followed me... but I felt like I had importance again...and it was nice!

Another random thought through this variety of thought processes is that I've decided to not care about having a boyfriend. For once in a VERY long time, i'm extremely excited and happy to be focusing on me... I joined the gym, and am working out very hard, and LOVING it... it feels amazing...

I think (there I go again) that people connect with me because I have this uncanny, unnatural, natural ability to empathize SO much with others that I start to loose myself a little. I get so involved with someone and accepting them for who they are, ALL of their faults and imperfections...that I start to loose myself. This is an actualization that I have recently become very aware of. It's like my biggest flaw and biggest gift all in one. However, the awareness of it, is VERY good for me. Something for me to keep in mind :) I'm learning a LOT lately about myself... it's relatively interesting....

So there I go... I don't know what all this means, or what to do with this information, but I just needed to get it down. I do know that this is not a great demonstration of my writing skills, don't judge but if you actually read all this and made it to the end...thanks for listening :), there will be more... i'm sure :)

Hello everyone

Some of you who know me, probably are trying to figure out where the HELL i went for about a month?.... Well, I have a lot of owning up to do, and a lot of explaining to do.... HOWEVER, I don't have time right now to go into all the details properly, therefore, I just wanted to say, I am here, I am alive and Soon there will be another piece of ACTUAL writing, that I'm sure you are all on the edge of your seats waiting for....

I apologize for disapearing, and appreciate any and all understanding and patience you all may have with me. Let me also state that just because it hasn't shown me that active on the site (well active at all) does not mean i haven't visted to see what my friends are up to :).....

Therefoer, if you're waiting for a response from a message you've sent me, OR an aproval of a friend request, I will get to you VERY shortly, and thank you so much for waiting...

I also promise, my next thing of writing will be way better written and actually somewhat interesting.....