Hello everybody, First my apologies for not being around the last week, I have been busy with work (going amazing thanks for asking), and I just moved studios... LOVE THE NEW STUDIO (again, thanks for asking )... and i've been spending a lot of time with the new man in my life (be happy for me, i am)..... he's amazing, in fact, he's signed up, but doesn't have anything in his profile...SOOOO...feel FREE to harass him with e-mails, wall posts, and/or friend requests...make him feel loved and welcomed...PLEASE!!! But be nice, we like him! His name on here is whip_u_good.
As for an update on me: besides moving studios and having a new man..... I'm amazing.... Montreal is amazing. I LOVE IT HERE... it's treating me real good!!! I've done so much, casino, la ronde, biodome, watched soccer games, hockey games, gone to bbq's, everything. This city is amazing..but LORD do i need to practice my french. It's hard, everyone is so willing to speak english that i can get away with it.
I'm happy! I guess that is the bottom line. I've been in montreal for a month now. I gave myself three to be miserable and not know anyone and hate it, and be alone, but after a month I am extremely happy. Who would have thought. I have someone who loves me and cares about me, i have a great little apartment, i have an aamzing job of taking pictures for a living... i'm no longer 'surviving'.... i'm living, and i love it!!!
Anywyas, thought i'd do a quick update on me... so there you go
Friday, September 25, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Montreal, here I come
Well, as some of you know, i have moved...for those of you who didn't know.... well.... i moved!!!!
It is actually official, I am sitting in my new apartment in downtown Montreal writing this post. If you guys were wondering why i disapeared for a couple weeks, and why there are no new pictures..... It is due to the fact of finishing school, packing, moving and unpacking.... however... in the next few days of starting a new job and getting settled, I shall continue reeking havoc over the site...
I spent a few minuts just updating myself on some things and well, it seems you guys are doing just fine being perverted :)... I LOVE IT!!!!
Anyways, thisis a long update to basically say ...i'm in montreal now, not toronto.
If you're in toronto, and you miss me already, feel free to drop a line, but don't worry, i'll be visiting..... and if you're in montreal, and ready to paint the town red....drop me a line :)
hope to hear from you guys soon :)
It is actually official, I am sitting in my new apartment in downtown Montreal writing this post. If you guys were wondering why i disapeared for a couple weeks, and why there are no new pictures..... It is due to the fact of finishing school, packing, moving and unpacking.... however... in the next few days of starting a new job and getting settled, I shall continue reeking havoc over the site...
I spent a few minuts just updating myself on some things and well, it seems you guys are doing just fine being perverted :)... I LOVE IT!!!!
Anyways, thisis a long update to basically say ...i'm in montreal now, not toronto.
If you're in toronto, and you miss me already, feel free to drop a line, but don't worry, i'll be visiting..... and if you're in montreal, and ready to paint the town red....drop me a line :)
hope to hear from you guys soon :)
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Thoughts on a bus
So although I'm just writing/publishing this now, i wrote it about a week ago...just been extremely busy with my portfolio and school and work and moving, and, and , and......anyways:
I'm sitting on the bus on my way home from Montreal. I feel the need to write. I have a few things I need to work n but can't seem to clear my head of a few thoughts first.
It is in my nature, my genetics to lean towards the darker side; the glass appears half empty to me. I made a very concious decision that I would, quite literally, change my chemical makeup. Since that defing moment, I've put a smile on my face, and eventually came quite a happy person. I now smile more, laugh more, am more extroverted, and simply enjoy life more. However recently I find it harder and harder to wake up wtih that smile naturally. It's becoming slightly more forced.
I met an interesting young man (I say young because not only do I usually surround myself with an older crowd but also find it difficult to view and think as a 22 year old) however he may very well have been a couple years older than I. Although the conversation was not nearly as philisophical or inspiring as he tried to make it sound, I can not den the fact that it did, if nothing else, make me think a little extra today.
I understand blogs. I mean, I always understood them, but now i underSTAND them. They're not for the readers, they're for the writers. I'm a writer, I'm a photographer and I write and take picture for myself, but my favorite thing is getting feedback. It's not even so much what the feedback is (although one can learn a lot from seeing things in a different light) but just knowing the fact that someone is seeing my work, reading my articles, viewing my photographs, and taking the time to get to know me and taking the time to respond. I think we all stive for some sort of acknowlegement, especially from those we love or connect with or care for.
However, personally, it is that acknowlegement, that acceptence, that knowing people you love and care about will be reading what you write, that makes me hesitate with what I write. It is a new goal of mine, a very VERY difficult goal of mine, to overcome that fear, to not censor myself because of who may or may not read what I have to say. lord knows I don't censor my photographs, why should i censor my writing?
I'm getting far off topic, (i should write a book, looks like i have enough to say)....
The reason I bring up the guy from the other night is because, again, although the conversation wasn't over stimulating, I decided to start thinking more goal orientated. I am going to sort through the skelotons in my closet and figure out waht I want and what I want to do and how the hell to get there. I think this is a very good, and big step in my life.
Later inserted I'm moving to a new city, with new people, and a new language. This is a big step for me, and I'd be lying if I said i wasn't scared shitless (excuse my language) but I think it will be good for me. I will be working, and i should ACTUALLY have some time to myself. I can't remember the last time that I wasn't commited 7 days a week to SOMETHING. This will allow me to start eating properly, sleeping properly, working out (my new place, if i get it, has a gym and pool which is extremely exciting). I've been so busy with my work and my life and i've been putting myself last. This is my opportunity to take care of me for once. It'll be a hard change, but good I think.
I realise this isn't the greatest piece of writing, but more a rambling. But it was necessary for me to get it off my chest and ramble for a bit, even if no one listens.
To those of you who do know me, i promise i will be around for more pictures, and more writings, when done my schooling, but right now that is my focus, and must remain my focus. Thanks for understanding.
I'm sitting on the bus on my way home from Montreal. I feel the need to write. I have a few things I need to work n but can't seem to clear my head of a few thoughts first.
It is in my nature, my genetics to lean towards the darker side; the glass appears half empty to me. I made a very concious decision that I would, quite literally, change my chemical makeup. Since that defing moment, I've put a smile on my face, and eventually came quite a happy person. I now smile more, laugh more, am more extroverted, and simply enjoy life more. However recently I find it harder and harder to wake up wtih that smile naturally. It's becoming slightly more forced.
I met an interesting young man (I say young because not only do I usually surround myself with an older crowd but also find it difficult to view and think as a 22 year old) however he may very well have been a couple years older than I. Although the conversation was not nearly as philisophical or inspiring as he tried to make it sound, I can not den the fact that it did, if nothing else, make me think a little extra today.
I understand blogs. I mean, I always understood them, but now i underSTAND them. They're not for the readers, they're for the writers. I'm a writer, I'm a photographer and I write and take picture for myself, but my favorite thing is getting feedback. It's not even so much what the feedback is (although one can learn a lot from seeing things in a different light) but just knowing the fact that someone is seeing my work, reading my articles, viewing my photographs, and taking the time to get to know me and taking the time to respond. I think we all stive for some sort of acknowlegement, especially from those we love or connect with or care for.
However, personally, it is that acknowlegement, that acceptence, that knowing people you love and care about will be reading what you write, that makes me hesitate with what I write. It is a new goal of mine, a very VERY difficult goal of mine, to overcome that fear, to not censor myself because of who may or may not read what I have to say. lord knows I don't censor my photographs, why should i censor my writing?
I'm getting far off topic, (i should write a book, looks like i have enough to say)....
The reason I bring up the guy from the other night is because, again, although the conversation wasn't over stimulating, I decided to start thinking more goal orientated. I am going to sort through the skelotons in my closet and figure out waht I want and what I want to do and how the hell to get there. I think this is a very good, and big step in my life.
Later inserted I'm moving to a new city, with new people, and a new language. This is a big step for me, and I'd be lying if I said i wasn't scared shitless (excuse my language) but I think it will be good for me. I will be working, and i should ACTUALLY have some time to myself. I can't remember the last time that I wasn't commited 7 days a week to SOMETHING. This will allow me to start eating properly, sleeping properly, working out (my new place, if i get it, has a gym and pool which is extremely exciting). I've been so busy with my work and my life and i've been putting myself last. This is my opportunity to take care of me for once. It'll be a hard change, but good I think.
I realise this isn't the greatest piece of writing, but more a rambling. But it was necessary for me to get it off my chest and ramble for a bit, even if no one listens.
To those of you who do know me, i promise i will be around for more pictures, and more writings, when done my schooling, but right now that is my focus, and must remain my focus. Thanks for understanding.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Inspired again
Once again, i have been inspired to write a post. And once again, i have a wonderful woman by the name of jenny, popularily known as Pizzababe, to thank.
I'm sitting in my favorite cafe/bar thing in the whole world called 'tequila bookworm', looking out onto the beautiful sunny, cold day that has befallen Toronto. its after 6pm the sun is still out, people continue to walk by to and from work, doing dailey chores, just getting out to appreciate the sun. I'm happy in this world. But in my head i am standing behind a wall, holding a sledgehammer, looking up. Tiny little me against a wall so big i can't see the top of it, with a hammer too heavy to lift.
Excuse the cliche metaphor of a wall, but it is simply that. You'll forgive me ahead of time for, simply writing this is me attempting to swing the hammer, however one hit is no where near breaking the wall down, therefore, as a first step don't expect too much.
Relationships are hard. Period. Not having a relationship is just as hard. A smart man once said to me "EmJ, you're so caring and so giving, but you can't take care of anyone else the way you want to, until you take care of yourself". How can anyone love me, if i don't love myself?
Pizzababe said in her podcast somethign along the lines of "I should love myself, and my happiness should come from that, and other people's love just just be the icing on the cake". I'm slowly learning this. Unfortunately my learning curve includes having to lose someone i care very much about.
I can't look for happiness by finding someone to be with.... I can't look for happiness through the feeling of being wanted of being loved of being attractive, but (as much as i hate to say this) it does help. The feeling of rejection, having the man you love reject you phsyically, mentally, emotionally, whatever, is a kick to the nuts (or the female equivalent). It makes it harder to see things in yourself to love.
I have been through many relationships, of all sorts, we won't get too deep into my history of relationships, but i've been through a lot, and seen a lot. However a recent occurance opened my eyes a bit. I realised that I have been slightly unfair in my relationshpis. I mean I am who I am, and tha'ts how it is, but I have a distorted view of things. I'm so scared of abandonment and i'm so scared that the person i love won't love me back, that i get scared, i have walls, and most importantly i don't take care of myself. I put all my energy into taking care of that person because I know I love them and I won't disapoint them if i do, when in reality that's exactly what i did. I gave my entire self to someone, and didn't keep anything for myself. That wasn't fair to him, or me.
I have learned a LOT in the last two years. I have learned a lot about myself, and who i am, and more importantly, who i want to be. I have to be able to say "no" to jobs i don't think will benifit me, i have to cut people out of my life that take away from me and don't give anything, and i have to realise that i deserve what i work for, and i have to work for what i want. I have come to the actualisation that I'm very much willing to do that. I dont' need a relationship to make me happy, i need to do what i want to do.... and in order to do what i want to do..i have to work my ass off now to get there.
I just deleted a couple paragraphs, sorry, but i realised i'm just not ready to go much further into this conversation with myself. Thanks for listening to the first chapter of this dialogue, gaurenteed there will be more to come. And although this sounded slightly depressing (and perhaps it is), think more of it as a sense of relief, the start of chipping away at the wall, chipping away at the weight on my shoulders. It's a good thing.
I'm sitting in my favorite cafe/bar thing in the whole world called 'tequila bookworm', looking out onto the beautiful sunny, cold day that has befallen Toronto. its after 6pm the sun is still out, people continue to walk by to and from work, doing dailey chores, just getting out to appreciate the sun. I'm happy in this world. But in my head i am standing behind a wall, holding a sledgehammer, looking up. Tiny little me against a wall so big i can't see the top of it, with a hammer too heavy to lift.
Excuse the cliche metaphor of a wall, but it is simply that. You'll forgive me ahead of time for, simply writing this is me attempting to swing the hammer, however one hit is no where near breaking the wall down, therefore, as a first step don't expect too much.
Relationships are hard. Period. Not having a relationship is just as hard. A smart man once said to me "EmJ, you're so caring and so giving, but you can't take care of anyone else the way you want to, until you take care of yourself". How can anyone love me, if i don't love myself?
Pizzababe said in her podcast somethign along the lines of "I should love myself, and my happiness should come from that, and other people's love just just be the icing on the cake". I'm slowly learning this. Unfortunately my learning curve includes having to lose someone i care very much about.
I can't look for happiness by finding someone to be with.... I can't look for happiness through the feeling of being wanted of being loved of being attractive, but (as much as i hate to say this) it does help. The feeling of rejection, having the man you love reject you phsyically, mentally, emotionally, whatever, is a kick to the nuts (or the female equivalent). It makes it harder to see things in yourself to love.
I have been through many relationships, of all sorts, we won't get too deep into my history of relationships, but i've been through a lot, and seen a lot. However a recent occurance opened my eyes a bit. I realised that I have been slightly unfair in my relationshpis. I mean I am who I am, and tha'ts how it is, but I have a distorted view of things. I'm so scared of abandonment and i'm so scared that the person i love won't love me back, that i get scared, i have walls, and most importantly i don't take care of myself. I put all my energy into taking care of that person because I know I love them and I won't disapoint them if i do, when in reality that's exactly what i did. I gave my entire self to someone, and didn't keep anything for myself. That wasn't fair to him, or me.
I have learned a LOT in the last two years. I have learned a lot about myself, and who i am, and more importantly, who i want to be. I have to be able to say "no" to jobs i don't think will benifit me, i have to cut people out of my life that take away from me and don't give anything, and i have to realise that i deserve what i work for, and i have to work for what i want. I have come to the actualisation that I'm very much willing to do that. I dont' need a relationship to make me happy, i need to do what i want to do.... and in order to do what i want to do..i have to work my ass off now to get there.
I just deleted a couple paragraphs, sorry, but i realised i'm just not ready to go much further into this conversation with myself. Thanks for listening to the first chapter of this dialogue, gaurenteed there will be more to come. And although this sounded slightly depressing (and perhaps it is), think more of it as a sense of relief, the start of chipping away at the wall, chipping away at the weight on my shoulders. It's a good thing.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
My first real post
This post is going to be a generalized summary of a bunch of crap, so be warned:
First.... lets all give johnbaku a round of applause (sorry theatre background) for the amazing work being done on the site.... i help with what i can when i can, but i love the site, and i've heard so many wonderful things about it, and he deserves a lot of recognition. Good Work John.... keep it up!!! (literally..hahah shouldnt' be hard with some of these perverts' pictures :) )
Second.....I have just recently wrote two (sorry they're long) blogposts on sexualdevients20.com (the fetlife fetblog). i was goign to write them here, but figured that because they were both so long, it might be easier to just send you guys in that direction. So...go check it out, one's fun, one's a little more serious. And PLEASE comment, or message me with anythig you have to say, i'm a sucker for feedback :)
Third...if ANY of you need ANYTHING, unfortunatley i'm not the developer johnbaku is, but i'm more than willing to help in other ways (had an e-mail about finding toys) (had another one for advice).... feel free to hit me up with anything you'd like...regarding the site or not....
And i think that's it for my first post..... Hope you guys all had a great weekend, and well...a good monday.... and hope to hear from y'all soon...
OH OH.... i'll be podcasting with Johnbaku tomorrow night..check it out at pizzababe.com!!!
First.... lets all give johnbaku a round of applause (sorry theatre background) for the amazing work being done on the site.... i help with what i can when i can, but i love the site, and i've heard so many wonderful things about it, and he deserves a lot of recognition. Good Work John.... keep it up!!! (literally..hahah shouldnt' be hard with some of these perverts' pictures :) )
Second.....I have just recently wrote two (sorry they're long) blogposts on sexualdevients20.com (the fetlife fetblog). i was goign to write them here, but figured that because they were both so long, it might be easier to just send you guys in that direction. So...go check it out, one's fun, one's a little more serious. And PLEASE comment, or message me with anythig you have to say, i'm a sucker for feedback :)
Third...if ANY of you need ANYTHING, unfortunatley i'm not the developer johnbaku is, but i'm more than willing to help in other ways (had an e-mail about finding toys) (had another one for advice).... feel free to hit me up with anything you'd like...regarding the site or not....
And i think that's it for my first post..... Hope you guys all had a great weekend, and well...a good monday.... and hope to hear from y'all soon...
OH OH.... i'll be podcasting with Johnbaku tomorrow night..check it out at pizzababe.com!!!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
All about me
Wow so it's been a long time, and i'm not going to lie, I'm not going to change my about me too much right now. BUT i did want to point out, and yes it's ok to start a sentence with "but", i have added a new website to my profile. It is my new blog: http://emjcox.blogspot.com/ . For those of you who know me personally know that I'll be doing some very cool traveling in the very VERY near future.... if you want to keep up with me, that's my blog for it. PLEASE feel free to follow me and/or write comments, otherwise I'll feel like I'm just writing to myself, and as much as i may have conversations with myself, I don't need them on written record, so READ, FOLLOW, COMMENT, in other words; "pay attention to meeeee"!!! Ha ha ha.... ok back to the old schpeel.... i'll change it sooner or later!
First....welcome to the site!!!! sit down, put your feet up and stay a while. JohnBaku is doing an amazing job with this site. He constantly updates it and works extremely hard on it....so props to him. Anyways, I really hope you guys enjoy the site as it continues to grow!!!
Second... I want to thank those of you who already know me from one way or another...welcome to the site, thanks for coming and add me as a friend...for those of you who don't know me, YET, feel free to add me as a friend, message me, comment on my pictures, any or everything above...
I personally have been trying to add new photos and write in the blog but been (i know i know, excuses excuses) really busy, however, if you keep checking back to my profile and/or your mini-feed, i promise i'll continue to put up new pictures and write more.
So I will try to update my about me section better soon... i won't put what day it is today, so no one can HOLD me to that..but if you are new to fetlife, or just visiting my profile...welcome, and feel free to check out the groups I moderate, includin the JohnBaku Fan Club - I will try to keep you updated on Johnbaku's activity :)
ummm, ok that's enough writing/reading for now... ENJOY and message me....oh and comment on pictures, i love reading what people think!!!
First....welcome to the site!!!! sit down, put your feet up and stay a while. JohnBaku is doing an amazing job with this site. He constantly updates it and works extremely hard on it....so props to him. Anyways, I really hope you guys enjoy the site as it continues to grow!!!
Second... I want to thank those of you who already know me from one way or another...welcome to the site, thanks for coming and add me as a friend...for those of you who don't know me, YET, feel free to add me as a friend, message me, comment on my pictures, any or everything above...
I personally have been trying to add new photos and write in the blog but been (i know i know, excuses excuses) really busy, however, if you keep checking back to my profile and/or your mini-feed, i promise i'll continue to put up new pictures and write more.
So I will try to update my about me section better soon... i won't put what day it is today, so no one can HOLD me to that..but if you are new to fetlife, or just visiting my profile...welcome, and feel free to check out the groups I moderate, includin the JohnBaku Fan Club - I will try to keep you updated on Johnbaku's activity :)
ummm, ok that's enough writing/reading for now... ENJOY and message me....oh and comment on pictures, i love reading what people think!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)