So I have had a few messages in regards to my past writing asking for more. To be honest - this has inspired me to write again. Perhaps it's shallow, perhaps it's insignificant, and perhaps I do write simply for me... but DAMN it sure feels good when people are genuinely interested in you and sincerely want to read more. They say my writing is sincere and honest, I think when I write on here it's more of a ramble or rant, but either way I shall try again :-)
Recently I have learned a couple of things. The first is that as much as we would like to be positive, or try to be, it doesn't translate to the best blog entries, or more specifically, an outwardly bubbly positive feeling does not naturally transgress into a long pensive, philosophical discussion with myself (which is inevitably what my writing is, just simply...well written :-)...... but back to this later...
The second thing I've noticed is that I really do love to learn about myself, which I do on a daily basis. However, one of my recent 'eureka moments' was that I'm impatient in learning about myself. I learn something new everyday, (or at least acknowledge something new everyday), and I know I will probably continue figuring things out about my personality and character until the day I die...and I love learning about me.... but I'm impatient about it (hahaha). Part of me likes discovering daily, part of me, a large part of me, wants to have it all figured out.
So having said that - I am on a mission, a quest if you will (love the whole fantasy quest thing....shuttup I know i'm a geek...that was discovered a LONG time ago...)... to better myself. So I took a step in the direction of bettering myself not long ago, and realized that the first step to bettering myself is to figure out who 'myslef' is...as much as I can. I became very lost VERY quickly. I realized I did not have as much control in my life as I would like, I was not where I wanted to be in my life, or at the standard I held myself at. And i was lost.
I realize a lot of this is somewhat vague, and part of me feels like i should divulge more, but the reality is this - if you have read previous posts you'll know - that I have not only a guard up for my emotions, and for protection, but I simply am not one of those people who wish to fall 'victim' in anyone's eyes. I have spent my entire life trying to be very strong and independent and for me to feel lost and helpless is pretty much the absolute worse feeling for me to feel. I don't think the details of why are important or necessary, I think the expression of that feeling, to anyone who understands it, is enough.
Please trust me when I say - I understand people go through worse, people have to worry about feeding their children or surviving a deadly disease, or finding shelter for the night. I realize that although I struggle daily with my personal shit, and work my ass off to put a roof over my head and food in my mouth, that I am still lucky to have the ability to do even that. However, by nature, by definition we are a self-righteous and self-centered species....our world revolves around... well...us!
I surround myself with people who are very fortunate, (not to say they don't work hard) but who, in my eyes, are successful. I surround myself with people who have nice places, extra cash, loved ones, partners, good jobs they enjoy and whatever else I place in high standing.... I also surround myself with people who are older than I am. I can't help but compare myself and where I feel I'm at to them, but I forget to remind myself that they are 6-10 years ahead of me. I forget to remind myself that I'm 23 years old, and ask myself where were they at 23.
I forget to tell myself all of that, but when I do, it doesn't matter. I do not care where they are, and i do not care to compare myself with them. I may be doing well for 23, but I'm not where I want to be, even if I am being unreasonable or more than reasonable with myself. We all set goals for ourselves, and it's up to us to get there. So that is what my struggle is about right now. That is what I'm fighting with.
I am trying to figure out, where I am. Where I want to be. What I want to do. And what steps I have to take to get where I want to go and more importantly, what steps I have to take to be the person I want to be. It's a hell of a lot harder than I expected. Fact is, not only do I not know where I am, I don't know where I want to go. I am lost. Again.
