Once again, i have been inspired to write a post. And once again, i have a wonderful woman by the name of jenny, popularily known as Pizzababe, to thank.
I'm sitting in my favorite cafe/bar thing in the whole world called 'tequila bookworm', looking out onto the beautiful sunny, cold day that has befallen Toronto. its after 6pm the sun is still out, people continue to walk by to and from work, doing dailey chores, just getting out to appreciate the sun. I'm happy in this world. But in my head i am standing behind a wall, holding a sledgehammer, looking up. Tiny little me against a wall so big i can't see the top of it, with a hammer too heavy to lift.
Excuse the cliche metaphor of a wall, but it is simply that. You'll forgive me ahead of time for, simply writing this is me attempting to swing the hammer, however one hit is no where near breaking the wall down, therefore, as a first step don't expect too much.
Relationships are hard. Period. Not having a relationship is just as hard. A smart man once said to me "EmJ, you're so caring and so giving, but you can't take care of anyone else the way you want to, until you take care of yourself". How can anyone love me, if i don't love myself?
Pizzababe said in her podcast somethign along the lines of "I should love myself, and my happiness should come from that, and other people's love just just be the icing on the cake". I'm slowly learning this. Unfortunately my learning curve includes having to lose someone i care very much about.
I can't look for happiness by finding someone to be with.... I can't look for happiness through the feeling of being wanted of being loved of being attractive, but (as much as i hate to say this) it does help. The feeling of rejection, having the man you love reject you phsyically, mentally, emotionally, whatever, is a kick to the nuts (or the female equivalent). It makes it harder to see things in yourself to love.
I have been through many relationships, of all sorts, we won't get too deep into my history of relationships, but i've been through a lot, and seen a lot. However a recent occurance opened my eyes a bit. I realised that I have been slightly unfair in my relationshpis. I mean I am who I am, and tha'ts how it is, but I have a distorted view of things. I'm so scared of abandonment and i'm so scared that the person i love won't love me back, that i get scared, i have walls, and most importantly i don't take care of myself. I put all my energy into taking care of that person because I know I love them and I won't disapoint them if i do, when in reality that's exactly what i did. I gave my entire self to someone, and didn't keep anything for myself. That wasn't fair to him, or me.
I have learned a LOT in the last two years. I have learned a lot about myself, and who i am, and more importantly, who i want to be. I have to be able to say "no" to jobs i don't think will benifit me, i have to cut people out of my life that take away from me and don't give anything, and i have to realise that i deserve what i work for, and i have to work for what i want. I have come to the actualisation that I'm very much willing to do that. I dont' need a relationship to make me happy, i need to do what i want to do.... and in order to do what i want to do..i have to work my ass off now to get there.
I just deleted a couple paragraphs, sorry, but i realised i'm just not ready to go much further into this conversation with myself. Thanks for listening to the first chapter of this dialogue, gaurenteed there will be more to come. And although this sounded slightly depressing (and perhaps it is), think more of it as a sense of relief, the start of chipping away at the wall, chipping away at the weight on my shoulders. It's a good thing.
